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November 8th, 2006

11:13 am - Yaayy Guess who got their license? ME, thats who! :p lol So happy, now i can start driving my car hehe AND 90210 Season 1 came out yesterday! HDOHASDOHDFOHDO Must get on that. Current Mood: cheerful Current Music: KILLSWITCH- FOR YOU

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November 1st, 2006

07:47 pm - fhoaisfhoasfihoasdfhsdoadfho Ive been writing alot lately... just about my life and people ive met, experiences and stuff. Heres another one... Don’t really know how to start writing. I guess it was when my mom moved away at the end of grade 9 that I kind of changed. I was just a lot sadder; it felt like she deserted us because she didn’t love us or something. I know now that’s not true but I was 15… what did I know? Anyways I was best friends with this girl Christine at the time that was quite out there so she kind of influenced me a bit, not in a bad way or anything. Just dyed my hair a bunch. After grade 10 I went to Vancouver for the summer and started being friends with this girl Andrea who I met through Christine. I was working that summer, so I decided to get my tongue pierced and dye my hair purple and cut it like a power puff girl lol Anyways I came back to Toronto and I remember me, Christine and Andrea having a sleepover, and I just remember how sad I felt. I can still feel it when I think about it now. I don’t know exactly why I felt that way, I think just because of my mom and my living situation with my dad. I was young and stupid that’s about it. I had so much to be grateful for and somehow found the bad in everything. Damn teenagers. I kind of went into a downward spiral from there. I pretty much stopped being friends with Christine… she was jealous/angry that I was becoming good friends with Andrea. I just remember when I was with Andrea I felt like we could talk/tell each other anything. Well mostly me. I remember I would get angry because she didn’t tell me things. She was quieter than me but could be as loud/goofy too. I tend to do the talking for everyone anyways. I pretty much stopped going to school, went to raves, did some drugs, was a whore for like 2 weeks. I would smoke weed everyday with people at school and then skip classes. Then after school I would go to Andreas and probably smoke weed with her and watch south park and stuff. I regret not going to school now… even though I have my GED and everything I still feel like I missed out. I want to go to school though. Not sure when, not sure for what. But I know its something that I want to do for myself at some point in my life. Me and Andrea were like inseparable. I remember we argued alot too though. I even remember her going away to Winnipeg to get away from me! Lol Sometimes I even think we were pretty much a couple! Minus the sexual stuff, even though I probably would have been up for that. I remember when her boyfriend came from Winnipeg I was so emotional and stupid and got so jealous. I think about it now, and I should have been happy for her, but I guess because of how our relationship was and how dependent I was on her I couldn’t do that. I always thought that it was only me who was dependent on her, but I think she still liked having me around :p We had so much fun together though. I remember just laughing at so much stupid shit, like South Park, or staying up all night trying to call the radio station for backstreet boy’s tickets, or sitting downtown for so long… so much stuff. I regret doing drugs though. I feel as if I did them to take away the “sadness” I was feeling... and I think they also just added to the sadness and made things way worse for me. Or maybe I wasn’t even sad to begin with and the drugs just made me sad? Who knows. I feel so bad still about how retarded I was. I treated my family and some ex friends so horrible, and all they did was try and help me, even if it wasn’t in the right way, they tried the only way they knew how. I try and make up for it now as much as I can. I love them to death. My dad hated Andrea lol. I’m assuming I would probably hate all my kids’ friends if they did drugs and dropped out of school. But I don’t think it was her fault that I quit school or that I did drugs. We both were probably bad influences on each other. I didn’t think so at all then though. Maybe if I hadn’t of met her I would have finished school or not done drugs. Or maybe I wouldn’t have. Either way, I still would never take it back. I wouldn’t be where I am now and I wouldn’t have experienced the things I have or met the people I did. Even through all the bad stuff there was still some good, and I guess at the time it was hard to see but I see it clearly now. Me and Andrea did a lot of bad shit to each other though. I don’t really know why. I remember when we started going to raves she met a guy and they dated for a week or so, and I don’t even know how it happened but for some reason he started to call me in Vancouver when I was there and well, we ended up liking each other a lot. Now, I think I was fucking retarded! 1st of all, he wasn’t worth it. Obviously he was an asshole. 2nd of all I would never ever in a million years do that to a friend now as much as I liked a guy. It’s the worst thing in the world that you can do. I remember Andrea was even so sweet about it and she told us to date. Well we broke up after a few months anyways. Friends over guys any day… you can lose them in an instant. She kind of stabbed me in the back a few times flirting with my boyfriend Derek or just stuff she said to him. I remember it hurt me so freaking much because she was the only person who I trusted at the time. I remember times when I actually felt like they would go behind my back. How could I be best friends and dating someone who I thought would do that? I was so unbelievably insecure. Not saying im completely secure now, but im working on it! And I at least have some sort of judgement now. I just latched onto people even If they were hurting me and didn’t let go. There were probably other little things that we did to each other that weren’t nice, like ditching each other and stuff I can’t remember. When I started dating my boyfriend Derek I stopped hanging out with her as much as I used to. Which is a bit expected I guess when you get a boyfriend. But I think if I was her I would have been angry too… hence me freaking out when Shawn came from Winnipeg! Anyhow, I was emotionally retarded and Derek didn’t exactly treat me nicely. I was a freak and just all over the place from my emotions/age/drugs etc and he wasn’t ready for the relationship I wanted which made me extremely upset because he was well, an asshole. If it was now, I wouldn’t let a guy treat me that way (or I’de make him sleep on the couch lol) But I'm also happy that I did. I don’t know how me and him got through all that shit, but we did and I’m glad. We’ve lived together a year now and have our puppy Noah! Honestly I look at him, and I still love him to death. Obviously still not that obsessive new love feeling but when we look each other in the eyes sometimes, I feel the twinkle. I really feel we are soul mates. There was a while where I didn’t know if it would work out because of everything, but somehow it did and our relationship got better. Andrea and some other friends thought I was so retarded for staying with him, I’m sure they were just worried about me but I got so angry. I definitely agree now… but I didn’t think so at the time. I think me and Andrea drifted apart because of my spending time with Derek and just the way we treated each other. To be honest, I spend so much time with Derek even now. Well obviously since I live with him, but when im not with him im usually just with my close friends not a bunch of other people. I tend to not go out as much as I used to. I like staying at home. I even remember at the end of our friendship calling each other names. So lame. And I remember they all would say stuff about me and how I’m actually dumb. It just hurt me because I was friends with these people for a long time and I thought they could see what kind of person I was past the immaturity/emotionally retarded me. I am very silly. I am so so random. I ask about 7377 questions a minute. If people don’t like it then go away. It did hurt me a lot though. Yeah, I think I’m still a tad emotional at that time of the month though. I also stopped doing drugs, I’m not sure if that’s what made people feel differently about me as well. I hope not. I remember another reason I didn’t want to hang out as much was because of the drugs. Not because I didn’t do them but because it was their life. It hurt me to watch them. I think I used to come off as a bitch and would get pissed off but I wasn’t mad at all. I was so worried about her. She is so smart and can do anything she wants to with her life. It just scared me and worried me that she was doing drugs. I don’t know why, but I can’t believe that people just do drugs for fun, there has to be something making them want to do them and that cant be healthy. We were the best of friends and a few things got in our way and we turned on each other and handled it so badly. We had a lot of fun times together and at 1 point I could say she was the best friend I have ever had. Yet we also did some very wrong things to each other as well, but all in all, we’re older now, more mature. There are no excuses for treating people badly in life…people just make mistakes and all you can do is learn from them. As much as things may have hurt me in the past I can only look forward. There is no point to dwell in the past and I’m over anything anyone has done bad to me. But I’m also stronger; I won’t allow people to treat me how I used to. I’m me and proud of it :p Maybe one day me and Andrea will be friends again, when were in the right places in our lives, when were happy to see each other happy and living life the way we want to live it… doing what makes us happy :) Current Mood: creative Current Music: Killswitch :)

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June 5th, 2006

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May 11th, 2006

05:02 pm - Tis Noah Heres My Babez :) Current Mood: cheerful Current Music: spineshank- beginning of the end

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May 10th, 2006

07:11 pm - yaww Omgshhhh i havent updated this thingy in forever Got myself a puppy :) His names Noah, hes the cutest boy ever! But hes craazzeh!!!! He runs around the table like 3789462949 times everyday Oooo i start a new job on Monday as well, im sooo excited about it! It pays $26,000 + benefits which i fuckin need since mine ran out not too long ago... and umm its down on King St. in the commerce court buildings... Oh joy, i get to spend my day with crazy business people... ;) Oh wells. Mmmm Amandas comin to get me togo to Dairy Queen, so i must be off! Current Mood: busy Current Music: a perfect circle- the hollow

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March 4th, 2006

07:43 pm - blah blah today was the funeral. watching my baba watch them close that coffin at the cemetary was the hardest thing ive ever had todo. i wrote this about my dedo, and my cousin said it for me at the funeral cuz i couldnt do it "theres so much going through my head, the words will never be perfect . i miss you so much already. i know you were in alot of pain but i also know that you would go through all of that again having lived the amazing life you lived and to see us one last time. seeing baba, teta and daddy, the 3 most important people to me like this breaks apart my heart. i wish i could take away their pain. we are all going to miss you so much. we have so many wonderful memories together, theres no way i can list them all... i remember when i was little my earing got stuck in the back of my ear, and i wouldnt let anyone else touch it except for you, you were always so gentle and loving. i remember building snowforts every winter in the front yard, the ice-cream story being said at everyones birthday, you always pretending to trip on things, your stomping when my music was too loud, michaels impretions always made you laugh so much and of course you always coming to chase me out of your "mestoh". i know if you were here with us you would tell us not to cry, that wherever we are, you are right beside us and that one day, we will see you again with that big smile of yours. and when i see you again, i know you'll be saving me a seat, right beside your mestoh. i see you everywhere, i hear your voice in all my favourite songs, i see your face so fresh in my mind. your just like a lullaby, and that is how you will be in our hearts forever." this is the hardest thing ive ever had to deal with. i havent slept in 2 days, i keep looking around my room for my dedo, and at the funeral, all 4 of my cousins kept seeing my dedos head move, or his tummy move up. so much hurt. i wish i could understand death. time for another attempt for sleep. Current Mood: worried

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March 2nd, 2006

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February 1st, 2006

02:29 pm - Swoooshh Bahahah so im soo bored so im gonna upload lotsa peeectures :D ( +CLICKY CLICKY+ ) Current Mood: creative

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January 24th, 2006

03:52 pm - Things & Stuff OMGSH Today is goin by soooo slow I was all freakin out coz i knew that conservatives were goin to win, but its not so bad at all actually. And they will only be in the remaining cycle that liberal were supposed to be in, or maybe even less ahhaaa But honestly, everyone is freakin out sayin Canadas going to be like the US now, but i bet if ndp or liberal would have won, they would all be doin almost all the same crap anyhow since there was no way of a majority government. Im happy that the ndps did really well though! I think its really funny how so many ppl i know just voted for ndp or liberals and pretended they knew so much about them even though they only voted the way they did because everyone else they knew were votin that too or mommy and daddy said so *laughs* Anyhow im not as ecstatic as i thought ide be from this outcome. My weekend was awesome, had soo much fun with the girlies... pics to come :) aaand the moving out process is coming along well I figure i should have about $1000 saved in my bank at all times just in case of emergency. My mom said shes gonna buy us a pupppyyy... i really will have no clue what kind to get. I want too many hehe Im so excited!! Ahhh my work is calling me back now, hopefully my boredom will subside. xo Current Mood: bored

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January 16th, 2006

04:41 pm - There Is No Forever, Just Today Soo me and derek found our apartment :D Goin after work today to give em 1st months rent, and then Derek will give em last on Feb. 15th... sooo i gots a month! Still need to get a few things like 1 couch for now, shower curtain, shelf and a kitchen table and a few other lil things Its soo nice, i really like it! Only thing im gonna change eventually are the cupboards lol $899/month all inclusive, and its a 2 bedroom aaand they allow doggies!! Im excited! Im makin the bathroom pink and silver themed haha K, enough about that now! Im at the work now, sooo much stuff todo cuz there is an annual conference and im like basically in charge of it :/ sooo i should go back to work now heh Current Mood: crazy Current Music: photocopier

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January 10th, 2006

01:55 pm - Through The Sunshine And The Rain Our Love Will Never Fade Meerp. I thinks im gonna go get nipples pierced this weekend. Anyone care to come with? :p Alas, me and derek will finally be moving out... yaayyy Been looking at some place. Havent found anything too good yet so we shall just have to keep on lookin. Its ANNOYING. lol Im goin to ikea this weekend... i love Saw 'Hostel' on the weekend, then went to eat yumminess with the lovelies. T'was an okie movie, but it doesn't compare to Saw at all. Anyhow, dont have alotta time to update since i am at work. Im thinkin abotu going to some new alternative-ish club called 'Neutral'. Anyone heard of it?? Must go now! Current Mood: exanimate

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December 31st, 2005

12:16 am - Yahh... Drrrrrrr *SO SLEEPY* I was tryin to focus watchin ET but i kept drifting away... X-mas was awesome =D Babysat my sisters puppy for 2 weeks, i love her, and i miss her so much. Along with the mother and Natalie. I wish they lived here... i feel so empty without them here it hurts too much to think about. blah. Watched a shit load of Gilmore Girls *grins* I got so much shit, i was so spoiled this year... ipod, $450, about $200 worth of MAC and Lush stuff *i smells like candy fluff at the moment* mmmm, umm about 4 pairs of pants, 4 hoodies which included my play dead one heheh, lotsa pjs and alot more stuff, but this is boring to type. I wont have to buy myself stuff for a while now which is good. Back to work on Tuesday, kinda lookin forward to it... ive had alotta days off which were very relaxing. Tomorrow im going to Dereks, decorating and makin jello shots and punch for the party hehe Anyways im too tired to write anymore. Current Mood: crappy

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December 3rd, 2005

10:52 am - have you ever loved something that never seemed to have a face at all I love the holidays :) hehe Im decorating my house in x-mas stuff at the moment and oOooooh i asked my boss and he said i could decorate all around my desk, and me and the girl i work with are gonna bring in a lil christmas tree :D This makes me very happy. Yawww im tres nerdy. Im going shoppin today as well, dunno what the fuck to get Derek as he has told me NOTHIN he wants yet *wants to punch him* I shall have to improvise for now... or buy him a sword!! Tonight im goin to play poker in pickering.. I shall lose, but ill have fun so its a-ok Watched Harry Potter again last night for like the billionth time... i love :) I must go get ready for more x-mas shoppin xoxo p.s- what the fuck is goin on for new yrs? Current Mood: energetic Current Music: Nothingface- Murder Is Masterbation

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November 25th, 2005

09:43 am - =) Mmmm With Which Harry Potter Male Are You Most Sexually Compatible? brought to you by Quizilla This makes me very happy, hes so yummy. Current Mood: flirty

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November 24th, 2005

12:56 pm - tehe SNOW!!! Its soo purdy! damn people, i need someone to come play in it with me Current Mood: devious

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November 21st, 2005

04:51 pm - Yep Yep. Sooo... Harry Potter =) O god there were these 13 yr olds dressed up in harry potter robes, it was so lame haha But the movie was fantastic, i really loved this one, not like i didn't love the others, but this one along with the first are for sure my favorites. No one gets why i love the hp so much hehe ive been readin em for like 6 years, and when i started it was when i was in my drug phase and always fucked outta my tree. Anyhow, when i started reading them they took me away and i guess i sorta felt like harry did, and throughout readin the books he grew and became happy just like me so whenever i watch the movies theres too much emotion and i remember how far ive become, and how far harry has become :p *sigh* nope, no one will still understand but mehhhh.. Im getting a hp tattoo on boxing day :) its gonna be silver im not sure what i want yet though. Definitely the hp logo, and im thinking maybe getting "it does not do well to dwell on dreams and forget to live" written. Anyhow, i think thats enough for now, im going back to watching my gilmore girls and makin a yummy dinner. bye byes. Current Mood: optimistic Current Music: spice girls- wannabe

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November 16th, 2005

11:23 am - mmmm jones soda. =D Goin to get my Harry Potter tickets after work today from Silvercity Yonge/Eglinton... SOOO fuckn excited o dear god!!!!! Im gonna wear my Hp shirt and bracelet lol Expensive dinners that night toooooooo, we decided on somewhere near the theatre called 'Centro'... OOooo i got my daith pierced a few days ago... twas an interesting experience... took very long though cuz its a very awkward place to pierce. I love Tom Brazda, hes fuckin awesome. I will definitely goto him again. Yesterday was my loverlies birthday... we went out for dinner w/ everyone. i gots him a dillinger hoodie and some other stuff. Nothin too big though cuz x-mas is coming heheh Ooommyy i went to Sephora on the weekend and got the nicest eyeshadow eveeer... Its like EXTREMELY sparkly, i think by urban decay or somethin. And i started a bit of my christmas shoppin... i love christmas shopping Anyways, must go back to work now!!! P.S- HARRY POTTER!!! :):):) Current Mood: crazy

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November 8th, 2005

09:59 am - im sick *cough, sneeze* yuck. im sick again. I bought these vitamin things called cold fx, they seem to be working pretty well. My weekend was fun putting aside the sickness factor. i went shoppin downtown with sarah and jen hehe i over spent but i finally got my black adidas shoes :) ummm i also bought the gilmore girls season 1 dvds in which ive already watched all the episodes hehe derek even watched alot of them with me too which is very surprising. gilmore girls + snuggles is my favorite =) Today im back at work, i didn't go in yesterday because of my sickness. i dislike missing work cuz they need me and i feel bad... but i like couldn't move my throat hurt so bad so oh well My mommys here for a few days :) shes comin to take me out for lunch today, I want tim hortons cream of broccoli soup! mmmm NIN is this week, i doubt ill be able to go... and well, i dislike large venues! and the tickets are super expensive it sucks... i really wanna see them again though *pouts* This weekends velvet so anyone who wants to come your welcome to :) k i think its time to get back now... bye byes!! Current Mood: cranky

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October 28th, 2005

11:34 am - Squeeeeeeesh Does anyone know any really amazing pretty expensive restaurants??? haha My dad got a bonus dinner from work worth $500, and i was helping him with some of his excel stuff last night so he asked if me and derek wanted togo, i was thinkin we should go for his bday but then i membered our 4 yr thingy is coming up at the end of next month... I think thats quite fitting lol new harry potter movie + tonsa food= awesomeness :D But yeah, i have absolutely no clue where we would even go and i dont think its even possible to spend that much on one meal haha and it can only be for the 2 of us but we can try our hardest to try lotsa foods hehehe Im excited. Anyhow, i must get back to work! P.S: Tonight is Saw 2 =) Current Mood: flirty

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October 25th, 2005

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